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A widow, attending her recently deceased husband's funeral, was approached by a friend after the services.
"Did George take care of you financially?" asked the friend.
"Well", replied the widow, "he had a $20,000 life insurance policy, but that's all gone now."
"How did you spend $20,000 in less than a week?" asked the friend.
The widow replied, "Well, the funeral today is $2000, the casket was $3000, and the rest went to the memorial stone."
"You spent $15,000 on the memorial stone?!?! How big IS it???"
"3.26 carats".
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A man owned a small cotton farm outside Lubbock. Wage & Hour officials claimed he was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent out to interview him.
"I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them," demanded the agent.
"Well, there's my hired hand who's been with me for 3 years. I pay him $600 a week plus free room and board. The cook has been here for 18 months, and I pay her $500 a month plus free room and board. Then there's the half-wit that works here about 18 hours a day, seven days a week. He makes $10 a week and I buy him a bottle of bourbon every week," replied the farmer.
"That's the guy I want to talk to; the half-wit," says the agent.
The farmer says, "That would be me."
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Dr. Seuss' lost tongue twister see if you can do this:
This is this cat
This is is cat
This is how cat
This is to cat
This is keep cat
This is a cat
This is dumbass cat
This is busy cat
This is for cat
This is forty cat
This is seconds cat
Now go back and read the THIRD word in each line fromthe top. Betcha you can't resist
passing it on.
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A small boy was lost at a large shopping mall. He approached a uniformed policeman and
said, "I've lost my grandpa!"
The cop asked, "What's he like?"
The little boy replied, "Gordon's Gin and women with big boobs"
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Quotes
Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself: "Lillian, you should have remained a
virgin." -- Lillian Carter (mother of president, Jimmy Carter)
I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the
description in thecatalog: No good in a bed, but fine against a wall. -- Eleanor Roosevelt
Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been
visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement. -- Mark Twain
The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the
two as close togetheras possible. --George Burns
Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year. -- Victor Borge
Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint. -- Mark Twain
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